Venturing into Depression Lane; What’s it’s like & How to get out of it

By Mahnoor khan

Depression, what a sad word and an even sadder illness. Whenever you hear, read or see it, it makes you squirm in your seat, your skin uncomfortable and your mind race to find happier things. Indeed, it is not a pleasant topic to talk about nor is it a good conversation starter between me and you, dear reader. However, I am not here to tell you all the things already present on the internet. I am here to tell you realistically what happens and how you move towards healing.

If you are still a victim of this illness, then I give you hope that you can make it out of this. If you have been a past victim, then you would relate to my experience and find some solace knowing you aren’t alone in this fight. However, if you remain unscathed then allow me to educate you. Hopefully, you can use my experience and stay on top of your mental health.

Depression is an intangible psychological disease, which means you can’t detect it, see it, touch it, or feel its existence. The only way you can know is by certain symptoms. But even though there are general symptoms to look out for, not all symptoms are going to be present, all at one time in a single person. Since it’s a psychological disease and not a physical disease, its existence, severity & strength all depends on your mental composition and toughness. That is why each patient will have a different set of symptoms, experience, and have their unique road to recovery. No journey is going to be the same for any two patients. 

How does it start? It starts small. Like an ant crawling up your arm, you don’t even notice it creeping up on you. Whenever a sad incident failure or trauma occurs you can either address it head or you can suppress your feelings, pain and emotions. Do the latter enough times and all these untreated incidences are going to collect in your mind. Eventually, all the feelings of hopelessness, defeat, and deprivation are going to grow larger and heavier each time you avoid facing it. The ant will now become a big, infesting, and powerful monster.

 

As time passes by, your capacity to cope with everyday life will start to diminish. Your brain which was already sitting on so much unresolved pain now has reducing levels of stamina to handle new problems that come each day. So, your head starts to feel heavy and a vast expanse of emptiness starts to spread throughout your body. When the burden of your unresolved mental state reaches a critical point, you essentially switch off your active mode and go into passive mode. Instead of a productive and emoting human being, you are now a walking zombie. In this phase, your depression is in a liquid state. Its constantly flowing from one end to the other, overtaking, overpowering and overwhelming you.

 

Fatigue will permeate the body; you will feel constantly tired. Your energy levels will get low. Ergo, you start to find ways to conserve your limited energy reserves and avoid all the things that will take that energy from you. Thus, entering survival mode. One of the readily available conservation methods is sleeping. Powering down your body and mind. Sleep becomes an addicting and the only escape from the problems of your external world and the overwhelming chaos and despair in your internal world. 

 

Another method is Mind-Numbing. Where you indulge in unhealthy activities to escape the intense negative thoughts. Such as watching too much television, spending an excessive amount of time on your phone, re-watching your favorite TV show as it feels familiar and safe, immersing yourself in video games because they provide you escape from your suffering and give you a false sense of accomplishment and resorting to unhealthy habits such as alcohol, drugs, binge eating, etc because you’ll do anything to escape the emptiness and feel some sense of pleasure.

In the effort to conserve energy, your subconscious will steer you away from the activities you used to enjoy. Spending time with your loved ones, meeting your friends, going out to eat, playing that sport you like, etc. Any activity that entails leaving your house to spend your limited reserves of energy and willpower will be given up.  Daily activities will feel like a chore, such as washing your face, brushing your teeth, putting on lotion, doing your laundry, making your bed, cleaning your room, etc will feel like a heavy burden. These trivial things will feel like a chore and will be left out because they involve spending energy and caring about yourself.

The daytime will be spent waiting for the night to arrive so that nobody can object to you sleeping too much. The nighttime will be spent in anxiety and resentment for the inevitable arrival of the next day, where you will have to leave your house for either school, college, university or work and face the world.  

This vicious disease makes you feel like you are drowning in deep invisible waters nobody else can see. Seeing no future for yourself and no answer to the problems of your life. Being stuck in a dark box that you can’t get out of. Your heart, mind, and soul are all breaking simultaneously and you don’t even know who you are or what you are. At this point, suicidal thoughts occur on daily basis. In fact, pondering on them becomes a feeble source of pleasure and relief.

 

However, this disease is not an unconquerable monster. It is manageable and even curable with the practice of self-therapy, mindfulness and spiritual awareness. The road to recovery will begin the same as the road to disintegration began, in small steps. Firstly, consider doing the very small tasks that feel so bothersome and see them as a victory. Did you make your bed? Victory. Washed your face? Victory. brushed your hair? Victory. Managed to complete that assignment? Victory. 

 

To achieve small victories, start your day by completing the smallest of tasks. When you get a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction from successfully completing these tasks, this sense will carry on to the rest of the tasks of the day and give you a boost of motivation to move on to the next task.

 

Secondly, find a productive outcome in your comfort-seeking behaviors. By this, I mean finding positive things to do from a previously unhealthy activity. For example; when feeling tired schedule your rest for a specific time and not an indefinite period of time. When you’re spending time on your phone, go through self-help pages that will enable you with tools and advice. When you’re re-watching your favorite shows, try watching something new. This a small tip to trick your mind that it's comfortable while simultaneously, you’re breaking that toxic cycle of repetitive behaviors.

 

Thirdly, Seek help. There is no shame in admitting you’re suffering and require help. Just like treating physical diseases need a medical doctor, mental diseases also require acute attention. Talking to a trusted family member or a friend will go a long way to releasing your inner tension and worries, further opening a door to eternal advice, help, and support. If you aren’t comfortable in confiding in family or friends then try online support groups and communities full of people ready to listen, provide support and help you out on Facebook, Instagram (@realdepressionproject), and Reddit. There are also therapy services which you can avail of. One local service is Mental Health Therapists (@thementalhealththerapists). You can reach out to them on Instagram and set up an appointment. They are not uber expensive and just charge Rs. 1000 per session. 

Lastly, doing a productive activity without a time frame or expectation of success. Apart from your comfort-seeking behaviors, bit by bit you should try different activities that you want to try or used to enjoy. Such as physical activities, praying, reading a book, making a dish, and meeting a friend (per covid guidelines). 

Depression is a mental state that makes one feel worthless and an absolute failure. When during this time frame we fail to complete our daily tasks which further feeds our worthless self-affirmations, which further deepens the depression loop. So, to break this self-feeding cycle, it’s essential to not set any expectation of success on these activities but actively trying to enjoy them for what they are. With time, practice and effort, it is possible to defeat the monster in your mind and reduce it back to an ant. I hope, these help you out or help someone out in their time of need and get you or them away from despair to a fulfilling life again.