I don't know how many women endure what is not even considered
sub-human behavior by society, but I do know that it takes a toll on their
body, their mind, and their very soul. Only the very lucky or the very strong
ones escape without their spirit being broken.
This article is not based on stats and numbers but finds its
footing in both personal experience, as well as that of women who are family,
friends, and acquaintances. I would like my readers to put on their thinking
caps and look out for the missing piece.
Is domestic abuse or violence borne of illiteracy and lack of
education? Is it more prevalent in some social segments than others? Is mental
health an obscure factor? Is money something to be considered while examining
the issue? Let us examine some dynamics of why domestic abuse is perpetrated by
looking at the lives of three affected women and their children.
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Tahira, an illiterate and financially challenged young woman, was
married in her early teens to a junkie with whom she had two girls. She bravely
divorced him early on to educate her daughters and keep them safe from their
abusive and violent father. Though some men have propositioned her with less
than decent alternatives to make her life easier, she works as an honest
housemaid to put food on her table. In her case, the law came to her rescue
when her ex was arrested for the second kidnapping and sale of his elder daughter
to a much older man in Nikah, and that of the younger ones to a
childless couple for 10 thousand and 30 thousand Rupees respectively. The first
time he stole the girls from their mother, he took them to relatives in another
city. When the mother's family retrieved them, one of the girls had half her
hair ripped out of her skull, while the other had a broken arm. Tahira, though
a dainty figure, is strong, and despite her challenges, she is hopeful that her
girls will have a better life.
Maleeha belonged to an affluent yet decent family, the kind who
somehow remain oblivious to the seamy side of life. She had an arranged marriage
to someone neither she nor her family knew but took the plunge on assurances
from mutual friends. Little did Maleeha know that the man was a compulsive
liar, temperamental gas lighter, and mentally unstable. She begged her in-laws
to convince her husband to seek psychiatric help, but they considered it an
insult and defended his actions claiming that a man is not a man if not
hotheaded. The constant mental torture and abuse she and her children endured
for over a decade left her with stress-related ailments like hypertension,
depression, and cancer. Finally, with her family's support, she decided to end
her marriage. Her former husband chose to dump the children, as well as his
paternal responsibility of providing for the said children, on his in-laws. Maleeha
is lucky to have a wonderful support system to counter the pain she has endured
and to be able to raise her traumatized children in a safe environment.
My final telling couples harrowing physical violence with agonizing
mental abuse. Shireen, a gorgeous, sweet, and highly educated young woman with
two children has recently been rescued from her Ph.D. husband's home after
being tortured for over a decade. When she was found, she had contusions around
her neck suggesting an attempt at strangulation; there were broken teeth, and
she was battered and bruised all over. Following her retrieval, the husband
wasted no time to nab her jewelry and property files and used forgery and fraudulent
means to sell her car — all gifts to her from her parents. At present, after
his bail was rejected by the court, he is in hiding with their children (who
their paternal grandmother had been systematically turning against the mother
for ages). Unbelievably, he fled the courtroom from under the very nose of law
enforcement and cannot be found. The police, by law, cannot break into his
house to check whether he is inside. Shireen has been informed that since her
parents hadn’t specified in writing in the marriage contract what they gave to
their daughter upon marriage, they cannot claim anything as hers. They cannot
get the car back due to some legal hiccups either. The law is failing Shireen
and her desperate-for-justice family.
Tahira was poor and illiterate, Maleeha was well-to-do, and Shireen
was both rich and well educated. What is the common factor here? To my mind, it
all boils down to upbringing. None of the men in question were brought up to
respect or protect women, but they sure had been taught to use and abuse then,
either through word or example. Islam teaches us the best men among us are the
ones who are the best for their women and families. Even modern psychology
endorses that strong and stable men anchor their families and are responsible
for their physical and mental well-being. Such men protect their wives and
children, they provide for them, but above all, they treat them with love,
kindness, and respect.
How do we teach our boys to become men of honor? We strengthen our
bonds with them; we talk to them about how to maturely and productively handle
and resolve conflicts; we teach them about boundaries and set an example of the
kind of behavior we want them to emulate with their close female relations, as
well as women outside the home. Moreover, in spiritually inclined households,
motivation through divine ordinances in religious scriptures and examples from
the lives of holy prophets may produce a profound positive impact on rearing
the next generation of both men and women.
How do we teach our girls not to tolerate abuse? First of all, we
educate them not to make mountains out of molehills and know the differences
between disagreement and abuse. We teach them to cherish and nurture close
relationships, but we must also give them the confidence that if they are being
subjected to physical violence or mental torture, then their parents will
welcome them back with open arms and full support.
One last profoundly important component of positive upbringing is
to know that your child is not perfect, and neither are you. Sometimes children
need professional help to sort out mental or behavioral issues; therefore, it
is essential that parents acknowledge their limitations in this regard and
cater to their child's need for therapeutic intervention. Many lives are saved
from future ruin if such issues are tackled early in a child's life.
This article is written by Mahrukh Shah, one of the contributors at the School of Literature.
